I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
