so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
