I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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