Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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