Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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