Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
