Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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