my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
