How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
