Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
