Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
