i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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