We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
