I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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