nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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