why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
