He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
