I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
