if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
