I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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