It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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