aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
