somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
