now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
