I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
