He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
