I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
