Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
