Is it normal to miss your booty call?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
