Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
