I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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