I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
