The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
