so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
