At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
