I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
