Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
