I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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