just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
