none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
did i just pee glitter
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
