Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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