you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
