I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
