to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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