I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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