Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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