Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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