does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
