She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
