Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
