we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
